Dear Youngstown

Dear Youngstown,

You’ve seen me at some of my best.
You’ve seen me at my very worst.

You tested my strength in ways nothing ever had.
You forced me to redefine myself. 
 To see my value and my flaws.
You broke down all my padding.
Stripped me of my disbeliefs, my naiveté, and my foolish pride.

In your arms, I lost everything I held dear.

But discovered pieces of myself I had never known existed.

I stayed true to myself.

Despite the temptations you offered. 

And the weightiest of pressures you heaped.

On my exhausted wounded frame. 

You tested my strength, courage, and wisdom.

I never marred your already heavily scarred and abused soul.
I never added to your misery.
I never destroyed for my own benefit.

I never failed here. 

No one ever does. 

I never thrived either. 

No one ever does. 

You never broke me.

I survived.
I survived your battlefields. 

And your illusions.

And your lies.

Yes...at times, your cruelty swallowed me whole.

And at times you were simply breathtaking in your simple pleasures.

I basked in your curiosities.

Danced naked under your sky with your Indian spirits.

And held my breath through your heart-pounding adventures.

Stood in silent harmony as flames licked the sky.

You are truly a complicated bitch, Youngstown. 

Your brash boldness amuses me.
It flashes with an audacity that no other place in the world can mimic.
It made me giggle when I first arrived.

Now I just shake my head at what is too often pointless circus antics and drama. 

I learned the hard way of your empty twisted promises.
That those who shown brightest were all too often the filthiest you had to offer.

Those charmers with hallow hearts.

Those painted actresses with razor smiles.

Those crumbling pillars of the community and leaders of industry.

They are your most vicious mirage. 

Your shiny gems were always your ugliest secrets, your most corrupt sores, your most vile traps.
But I did eventually learn to recognize and defend myself from your wicked games. 

Yet beneath it all there is a side of you that is magnificent.

It's your unassuming quiet strength that refuses to give up or give in that I admire most.

I found strength in your tenacity to keep existing and to breathe one more breath.

It was much like my own.

I appreciate the chaos and ugliness you put me through.
I understand my limits.

Those are lessons I will never forget.

I regret that I’ve never truly found my place within your complexities.
As always in some ways I fit perfectly. 

In others I had no place at all.
However, that may very well be a good thing.

I leave as I arrived.

On the outside of your mysterious inner circle. 

I was never quite one of yours.

I was too much and too little.

Too classy and too earthy.

Too honest and too loyal.

Too soft and too open.

Too bold and too defiant.

And I was never as broken as I needed to be.

To become tainted and accepted.

I understand that all now too.

I no longer love you blindly.

But I do still very much love you.
I always will. 

You are a part of me.

I’m harder and softer than I when I arrived. 

I am stronger and more broken as well.
I’m more at peace with who I am yet more frustrated with the world. 

But most of all I am eternally grateful for the peace I found in the tiny corner you hide from the masses.

I am neither sad nor happy to part ways.
Nor am I indifferent.

It is complicated.

I’m not abandoning.
I simply no longer have any thing to offer you.
And you have refused to offer me a chance to succeed.

Fate has changed the long road I am on.

And I must walk around this blind curve.

My goal is to reach for more.
I’m no longer content with your miserable scraps.
I deserve better. 
I always have.

I deserve peace, hope, and happiness.

One day.

If I am lucky.

I want to bring back and give to you.

A little of what I gained in your arms.

And maybe.

Just maybe.

Heal a tiny corner of your soul.

Until my journey brings me back to you...

Always,

~K. 

Permission to Be Happy

I had a thought last night, and lo' and behold something popped up this morning that has me returning to tug fully at that string.

I feel guilty if I feel any happiness right now.

Yep.  I essentially feel like because my practical life is such a damn mess at this point that I don't have a right to be happy.  I'm leaning on others way to much for my liking.  I can't seem to find a way to get my ass to NYC to be with my Man.  My friends miss me.  My ex is pissed at me.  My kids never see me.

And after all the nasty shit that was thrown at me last summer...some of it is still stuck to the walls of my soul.  Countless times, I heard how I didn't have a right to be happy and that instead of reaching for stars I should simply suck it up and quit being childish.   <~That was bullshit of course, but after hearing it so many damn times, I panicked when I lost that chaotic dead-end job, which was actually a blessing of course, but part of me has been terrified since that I'd be persecuted again.  I no longer fear that emotional punishment, but I still need to wash that last of that shit from my heart and mind.

No matter WHAT my circumstances are...

• I have every damn right to grab onto any moments of happiness and even joy that happen to fly by me.  
• If I honor my loyalties and respect the help others are providing, I have every right to smile and laugh.
• If I continue to work hard, invest in my future, and chase every opportunity I spy, I am allowed to guiltlessly embrace the sunny, sweet warmth of love, peace, hope, and happiness.

~sigh~  

Maybe now that I've given myself permission for all of that, I can be even more productive, more centered, and simply be a better me.

Anyone that doesn't like that...well, kindly go fuck yourself.  Everyone else...come dance with me.  ;-P

~K.

Clearing the Haze

Today has kinda sucked.  Started off with bad dreams and a damn skunk.  The skunk wasn't a dream.

Augh.

While I kept fighting back in every way I could think of, the day really never got better.  In fact with the fading light just more dumb shit.  Yeah today kicked my ass a little.  It wasn't the worst ass kicking, but damn, I could never get shit going and staying in the right direction.

Lessons/reminders for the day:

• Trust my instincts.  I should have asked a better question.
• If you know people are assholes, don't take it personally.
• I have nothing at all to hide.  I never really did.
• Coping strategies that work well for me:  a walk, music, Godiva Chocolate, and cake from M.

Doing my best to let go of what's been today to embrace a calmer, saner, more pleasant now.  Peace.  Hope.  Happiness.  That's what I've always reached for in my life.  To be at harmony with those around me and my little corner of the universe.  Every day I get a little closer to those goals.  Maybe today could only be gauged in inches, but I'll never turn my back away from progress.

Now it's time to eat the big piece of cake M sent me.
~K.