Diamonds Rising Up Out the Dust

I heard this today, and it gave me goosebumps.  Not only did I enjoy the energy of the duo that make up JohnnySwim combined with the wonderfully talented and cool as hell Daryl and band...but the lyrics...they connected with me in this optimistic, hopeful, overwhelming STRENGTH.  It reminded me of what M and I are madly working towards together.  We're rising up out of the dust with the diamonds that we pour ourselves into...his stories.  And we do it with drive, determination, pleasure, and a ferocious loyalty and faith.  My badass rose up and danced in celebration and joy.

A long, long time ago in a land far, far away...I was in the English class that would fundamentally alter my universe.  Every week we had an essay, except for one assignment which was given two weeks - a science analogy.  It was the essay I floundered on.  For 13 out of the 14 days I tried to make whatever my analogy had been to work, and it was sheer crap-o-la.  Then finally at the last minute, I found my words and my voice and used the formation of diamonds as an analogy to writing.

"Diamonds" touched me on so many different levels, so I thank JohnnySwim for their amazing songwriting ability and performance.  I became an instant fan as I watched the performance.
~Kat

Another Voice Fades

My heart mourns. Another of the old guard has faded from the fight.  Her battle changed us individually and influenced cities, states, countries, the world.  With grace, poise, and fire she used her words as a weapon.  She defended what was right.  She fought for honor.  She attacked ignorance and prejudice.

Maya Angelou's On the Pulse of Morning

We must not let her brilliant and powerful words fade in the wind.  We must carry on her war with the myriad of profound weapons she has left us and honor all that she has taught, shared, and inspired in us.

May you rest peacefully by the Rock, the River, the Tree, Ms. Angelou.  May you rest in peace.
~K.

Dear NYC

Dear New York City ~

Good evening. I won't waste your time or mine. After all, you do like to cut to the chase. I'm writing to respectfully and humbly ask for a chance to stand under your awe-inspiring shadow. I realize that you are pretty much the Queen, and that no one reigns bigger, better, or more demanding than you, but still, I dare to test my soul within your complicated maze. If I fail miserably so be it. All I want is a chance.

No...I don't seek fame. I don't seek to be a star or the richest bitch shopping on 5th Avenue. I hope to play in Central Park with M not live next to it. I leave those dreams for others. Mine simply aren't grandiose. They never have been. I merely crave a chance to build a life with my M. A chance to help and stand next to Him as he reaches for His dreams. A chance to find and build a place for myself in this world in your presence. A chance to succeed. 

Will you grant me that? Will you accept me enough to give me those opportunities?

I know compared to all those brilliant, radiant gems that dance on your stages and litter your streets that I'm not much. But I have a loyal pure heart that can put damn near everyone to shame. I've lost so fucking much but I'm a survivor, a strong persistent bitch. I'm a fighter. And at times I even kickass. But most of all, I don't give up. I will bleed out for what I believe in, and I fucking believe in Him. In Us.

Since my first steps on your rumbling pavement, I've been told I belong, and every time I return I feel more and more like I've found home and where I was meant to thrive. But you have yet to grant me entrance. My hands are battered and bruised from pounding on your gate. What must I do? What must I say? If I need to prove my worth, tell me the damn task! I will take it on and prove to you that I deserve a small tiny corner of your time and space.

I can't lie. You do intimidate me, but I've never let fear stand in my way of reaching for love, and I love that Man more than anyone or anything. He gave me hope. He offered me my destiny, but I need your favor if I am truly ever to fulfill my place at His side. Will you give me a chance?

If I'm destine to fail miserably, then let me fail. I will tuck my crushed tail between my legs and crawl back to this quiet sleepy town and let my hope die. But I deserve a chance for happiness. M and I deserve an opportunity to be everything we could be and help you shine just a little bit brighter for our efforts.

So what do you say Lady NYC? Are you willing to take a chance on me? I promise you, anyone brave enough to spend time with me has never regretted having me in their lives. They merely regretted that my time with them wasn't longer. Give me a chance to add flavor, color, and depth to your soul in a way few can match. I promise. You won't be sorry.

Sincerely,
~K.

My Inner Badass

New name.  New look.  Yes...I am attempting to find my feet right now, which requires me to shift with the moving ground under my feet.  "New Chapters" while it represents my change it does not reflect my soul, and quite frankly after the last year my soul is a little battered, beaten, and bruised.  I'm considerably pissed off about those injuries.

I am in...transition for the next phase of my life.  I am no longer content with the "happy struggle" as M put it so succinctly.  No.  I want progress.  I want strength.  I want dedication, intention, and focus.  I want more than what I've had the last 40 fucking years of my life.  I don't want to be at the end of anyone's god damn list.  I won't ever again be content with anyone's crumbs tossed carelessly my way. After everything I've given, I deserve better.  I deserve it fucking all.

Where do I stand to get whatever the fuck "ALL" is?  Where will I find my strength?  Where will I find those who not only give lip service to believing in me but action as well.  The simple fact is: You get out of me what you put in.

A friend of mine messaged this image to me over the weekend.  Because of my various situations, I've had to tuck my badass away for a while now.  But more and more I've felt the urge to kick fucking ass rising inside me, so maybe it's time to give my inner badass a bit more breathing room.

Does Badass mean I'm a bitch?  It can. And sometimes I will be.  But sometimes being a badass will simply mean flying higher, faster, or more beautiful that those around me.  Sometimes being the baddest bitch on the block will mean I fight for the underdog.  And sometimes my inner badass will silently recede to the background and stand watch protectively as the softer, sweeter pieces of me show themselves.  I am so much more than any one blog or post can say.  I am more than most people will ever fucking see or understand.
~Kat

When the Love Runs Out

When there was FINALLY a break in the weather, I tore out of the house to get to the docks and find an escape.  I was quite frankly ready to scream.

This came on the radio, and oh how fucking good it felt to have that sweet Bose cranked and the windows down to this.  ~sweet angry bliss~



Enjoy.
~K.

Dear Youngstown

Dear Youngstown,

You’ve seen me at some of my best.
You’ve seen me at my very worst.

You tested my strength in ways nothing ever had.
You forced me to redefine myself. 
 To see my value and my flaws.
You broke down all my padding.
Stripped me of my disbeliefs, my naiveté, and my foolish pride.

In your arms, I lost everything I held dear.

But discovered pieces of myself I had never known existed.

I stayed true to myself.

Despite the temptations you offered. 

And the weightiest of pressures you heaped.

On my exhausted wounded frame. 

You tested my strength, courage, and wisdom.

I never marred your already heavily scarred and abused soul.
I never added to your misery.
I never destroyed for my own benefit.

I never failed here. 

No one ever does. 

I never thrived either. 

No one ever does. 

You never broke me.

I survived.
I survived your battlefields. 

And your illusions.

And your lies.

Yes...at times, your cruelty swallowed me whole.

And at times you were simply breathtaking in your simple pleasures.

I basked in your curiosities.

Danced naked under your sky with your Indian spirits.

And held my breath through your heart-pounding adventures.

Stood in silent harmony as flames licked the sky.

You are truly a complicated bitch, Youngstown. 

Your brash boldness amuses me.
It flashes with an audacity that no other place in the world can mimic.
It made me giggle when I first arrived.

Now I just shake my head at what is too often pointless circus antics and drama. 

I learned the hard way of your empty twisted promises.
That those who shown brightest were all too often the filthiest you had to offer.

Those charmers with hallow hearts.

Those painted actresses with razor smiles.

Those crumbling pillars of the community and leaders of industry.

They are your most vicious mirage. 

Your shiny gems were always your ugliest secrets, your most corrupt sores, your most vile traps.
But I did eventually learn to recognize and defend myself from your wicked games. 

Yet beneath it all there is a side of you that is magnificent.

It's your unassuming quiet strength that refuses to give up or give in that I admire most.

I found strength in your tenacity to keep existing and to breathe one more breath.

It was much like my own.

I appreciate the chaos and ugliness you put me through.
I understand my limits.

Those are lessons I will never forget.

I regret that I’ve never truly found my place within your complexities.
As always in some ways I fit perfectly. 

In others I had no place at all.
However, that may very well be a good thing.

I leave as I arrived.

On the outside of your mysterious inner circle. 

I was never quite one of yours.

I was too much and too little.

Too classy and too earthy.

Too honest and too loyal.

Too soft and too open.

Too bold and too defiant.

And I was never as broken as I needed to be.

To become tainted and accepted.

I understand that all now too.

I no longer love you blindly.

But I do still very much love you.
I always will. 

You are a part of me.

I’m harder and softer than I when I arrived. 

I am stronger and more broken as well.
I’m more at peace with who I am yet more frustrated with the world. 

But most of all I am eternally grateful for the peace I found in the tiny corner you hide from the masses.

I am neither sad nor happy to part ways.
Nor am I indifferent.

It is complicated.

I’m not abandoning.
I simply no longer have any thing to offer you.
And you have refused to offer me a chance to succeed.

Fate has changed the long road I am on.

And I must walk around this blind curve.

My goal is to reach for more.
I’m no longer content with your miserable scraps.
I deserve better. 
I always have.

I deserve peace, hope, and happiness.

One day.

If I am lucky.

I want to bring back and give to you.

A little of what I gained in your arms.

And maybe.

Just maybe.

Heal a tiny corner of your soul.

Until my journey brings me back to you...

Always,

~K. 

Permission to Be Happy

I had a thought last night, and lo' and behold something popped up this morning that has me returning to tug fully at that string.

I feel guilty if I feel any happiness right now.

Yep.  I essentially feel like because my practical life is such a damn mess at this point that I don't have a right to be happy.  I'm leaning on others way to much for my liking.  I can't seem to find a way to get my ass to NYC to be with my Man.  My friends miss me.  My ex is pissed at me.  My kids never see me.

And after all the nasty shit that was thrown at me last summer...some of it is still stuck to the walls of my soul.  Countless times, I heard how I didn't have a right to be happy and that instead of reaching for stars I should simply suck it up and quit being childish.   <~That was bullshit of course, but after hearing it so many damn times, I panicked when I lost that chaotic dead-end job, which was actually a blessing of course, but part of me has been terrified since that I'd be persecuted again.  I no longer fear that emotional punishment, but I still need to wash that last of that shit from my heart and mind.

No matter WHAT my circumstances are...

• I have every damn right to grab onto any moments of happiness and even joy that happen to fly by me.  
• If I honor my loyalties and respect the help others are providing, I have every right to smile and laugh.
• If I continue to work hard, invest in my future, and chase every opportunity I spy, I am allowed to guiltlessly embrace the sunny, sweet warmth of love, peace, hope, and happiness.

~sigh~  

Maybe now that I've given myself permission for all of that, I can be even more productive, more centered, and simply be a better me.

Anyone that doesn't like that...well, kindly go fuck yourself.  Everyone else...come dance with me.  ;-P

~K.