Today Was Not The Day I Wanted

There was FINALLY a break in the damn weather today.  It was beautiful.  I knew it was coming, and I desperately wanted to enjoy it. However that was not the day I had today.  A horrible night of no sleep led to a sluggish morning and a list of shit to do before 5:00 p.m.  I managed to get a few of them done, but being physically completely out of synch has left me a tad frustrated.

I feel like the second I got back to the Yo, everything became difficult and nothing has gone smoothly, which only adds to my growing unease and confusion about next steps.  I'm not upset...but I am annoyed and frustrated.

I don't want much outta life.  I don't and never have had expectations of mansions and the high-life.  I simply want to be functional with a strong sense of harmony.  I want a day-to-day life with M.

Yet, we haven't yet found a way to make that 400 mile jump.  Why?  How is it that we can't find an answer.  It doesn't seem to be that hard for everyone else.  I look at my sister and her family as well as my step-brother and sisters...they've found a way to make it all work.  Maybe not gracefully and definitely not without some struggles and hardships along the way.  But they found a way to build a life, and while I've learned so much in the last nine years, I have yet build (in a practical sense) a damn thing.

Yeah...yeah...I can trace a lot of my inadequate building blocks on about three life-defining poor-choice decisions, but fuck...those have GOT to be overcomeable. <~yeah, word creation there.)  For the last six months, I have been busting my ass (M has as well) to turn over every damn option We/I have.  I'm not sure I've ever worked so hard or so well trying to get somewhere...though we still haven't gotten there yet.

He said it best when he stated "We've burned the ships." We have to find a way to make this work, and I'm optimistic, but I'm still just wondering...why the fuck does it have to be so motherfucking hard just to survive today?

~sigh~ I see how so many things in the last year had to happen.  I understand why, but fuck it's been ugly.  Yes, the ships are nothing more than ashes on the shore being leached away by the unwavering tide.  I've long since gotten past mourning their fiery destruction, but I just wish like hell I had a map for this unknown place that's in front of me. ~sigh~
~K.